Year in Review- 2009

For the sake of posterity, and not because it is all that interesting, a month-by-month, play-by-play of 2009. While I am still not pregnant, I can say with great certainty that 2009 was much better than 2008 and here's to hoping that 2010 is the best year yet for all of us!

January: meet new RE. He and his staff are fabulous.

February: ski vacation in Maine.

March: IVF with ICSI #3. Not successful. Turn 34 years old.

April: enroll in Mind/Body class for women going through infertility treatments. Pick up some good techniques for relaxation and meet some lovely women.

May: spring arrives. Plan for IVF #4 in July.

June: summer arrives and it rains, and rains, and rains.

July: more rain. IVF with ICSI #4. Despite retrieving 15 eggs (an all time high) and transferring 5 good quality embryos, still not successful. Celebrate 3rd anniversary. Play in first golf tournament and win!

August: travel, travel, travel. Spend time in Bermuda, Maryland and Maine.

September: hysteroscopy with D&C to rule out any uterine issues and to rejuvenate the uterine lining. No problems. Surprise pregnancy announcement from younger sister.

October: IVF #5. A dismal cycle through and through. Only one embryo to transfer on day 3- worst "performance" to date.

November: meet with RE. He suspects that borderline FSH indicates poor egg quality, despite having good looking embryos. Need to decide whether to move on to donor egg or to give IVF a final try. Rescue two sweet pugs, Hank and Honey. Life as a dog owner is wonderful and they love to snuggle.

December: a wonderful Christmas in Maryland. Lots of thinking and talking about what the next step should be for us. Meeting with RE in January to review in details the options, the pros, the cons, the possibilities.

Really, despite enduring failed cycle after failed cycle, I am mostly at peace and truly blessed in so many other ways. Belated congratulations to those of you who recently brought home a bundle (or bundles) of joy and best wishes to you who are in various stages of your nine-month adventure.

And to those who are still on their journeys to become parents, I wish for you peace, calm, love and most of all, good news in 2010.

xoxo bunny

I'm baaack!!!

Hello, old friends!

I'm back from a long hiatus, but have found that slowly, but, surely I have been making my way back to the blogosphere. It's been a long process and I am taking little baby steps- first, reading just the taglines in my blogroll, then reading the posts in full, to brainstorming what I might like to write.

And that is where the problem lies. I'm not sure I have so much to say about my infertility and IVF any more. I used to feel so passionately connected to this process; each and every step was a dramatic development. Now, not so much. I've moved to a more matter of fact kind of place. Is this a good thing? What has brought me here?

Summer began with the failure of IVF #4 (despite getting 15 eggs and transferring 5 great looking embryos). Now there are some concerns about borderline FSH creating egg quality issues. I had a hysteroscopy with a D&C last week to rule out any uterine issues and to try and maximize the lining for IVF #5 which will hopefully be underway in a few weeks.

The end of the summer was lovely. Lots of travel, good weather, and seeing family. Now the school year is in full swing and I am as busy as ever.

I know this is a completely uninspired post, but it is a start.

Gone Fishin'

Dear Everyone,

I'm taking a little break, clearing my head, and making a quiet space in preparation for the next cycle.  I'll be back and I'll be thinking of you. 

Best wishes,

Bunny

These are a few of my favorite things

While the husband is away, Bunny will play. Though I was feeling a little unsettled about the prospect of a weekend alone as I have been stuck inside my head a bit too much of late, it has turned out to be a banner day.

Breakfast with one of my best friends and her three month old ivf baby.
Shopping and errands.
Two new pairs of shoes. Trying on high heels never makes you feel badly about yourself!
Some decadent t.v. watching.
A third pair of shoes purchased on-line.

And a PMS dinner if I ever created one-- proscuitto, Brillat Savarin (a French triple cream cheese), baguette, baby arugula salad, a well-chilled glass of Pinot Blanc, and for the closing act, a vanilla cupcake.

No one can say that I don't know how to spoil myself.

Two Fer

I was luck enough to be tagged twice this weekend, once by the lovely Clare for the 8 X 8 and then the equally lovely Mrs. Gamgee bestowed upon me the Kreativ Blog award. It is perfect timing as I was feeling a little uninspired, so, this post will be a two for one: an 8 X 8 and then seven things I love.

The rules of 8 by 8:
1. Name the person you were tagged by
2. Complete the list
3. Tag 8 others

8 things I am looking forward to:
1. becoming a mother
2. getting a puppy
3. summer
4. getting started on IVF #4
5. regaining my former fitness and figure
6. moving from condo to house
7. going on vacation
8. Monday night's dinner

8 things I did yesterday:
1. spent the day with my husband
2. went to Costco
3. ate cheese and crackers
4. slept in
5. made a grilled ceasar salad
6. made a life map
7. did yoga
8. got a massage

8 things I wish I could do:
1. sing
2. speak French fluently
3. be less anxious
4. be more relaxed
5. exercise on a regular basis
6. not be so judgmental
7. have a big garden
8. get pregnant (and stay pregnant)

8 favorite fruits:
1. cherries
2. blueberries
3. grapefruit
4. grapes
5. watermelon
6. pineapple
7. strawberries
8. oranges

8 shows I watch:
1. How I Met Your Mother
2. Weeds
3. Run's House
4. Real Housewives of...
5. Iron Chef
6. Barefoot Contessa
7. lots of HGTV
8. Man Versus Wild


8 places I'd like to visit:
1. Italy
2. Ireland
3. Scotland
4. Japan
5. Thailand
6. Australia
7. Vancouver
8. Argentina

8 places I have lived:
1. a small town in Maine
2. another small town in Maine
3. a city in Maine
4. another city in Maine
5. Philadelphia
6. a city in New Hampshire
7. Boston
8. outside of Boston

8 people I'd like to tag: I think you are all fabulous, so I am copping out and if you are looking for a fun post, please consider yourself tagged.

7 things I love:
1. My sweet husband- he is funny, kind, gentle, and generous. Always.
2. Cooking- I love to be chopping, stirring, sauteing, and searing. I cook something different for dinner most nights.
3. Eating- food is a pleasure.
4. Growing- I have a few small plants in our yard that I love to take care of and watch grow. Finally after two years, my little hydrangeas have blossoms for the first time!
5. Reading- I love reading books of all kinds, gossip magazines, and all of the fabulous blogs I follow. I try not to read too much Dr. Google stuff about infertility and infertility treatments.
6. Taking pictures/ looking at old photos- good memories, old friends, funny haircuts- I take lots of photos in the moment so that I can pull them out later for good laughs.
7. Trying new things- I will try most things once and I love learning new things.

Again, excuse my cop-out. It is Sunday night after all and I think all of you are very "Kreativ", so please consider yourself awarded and please tell us what you love.

Have a good week, y'all!

Champagne Uterus

I went in for my sonohystogram today. It was nice to be back in the safe cocoon of my RE's office. My two favorite moments of the visit:

I got off the elevator with another youngish man. A couple with an infant in a baby carrier rounded the corner and greeted my elevator companion (EC). Dialogue ensues.
EC: Is this yours? Congratulations!
Couple: What are you doing here?
EC: Meeting Natalie.
Couple: Oh, does she work here?
EC: No, we're going down the hall to the IVF Clinic. We're going the baby route, too.
Couple: Ok, see you soon.

I loved this exchange because EC was so matter-of-fact about what he was doing and why. No apologies, no excuses, no lies, no pretense. I wish everyone (including me) could be this open and frank. Think about how great it would be if talking about going to the IVF clinic was a non-event, like going to the dentist or the hairdresser or getting your car serviced.

Now, I am up on the table, dress pulled up to my waist, feet in stirrups, catheter in cervix and ultrasound wand in place. The water goes in and my RE oohs and ahhhs over my smooth uterus. On the screen I notice some little white dots floating around in the uterus.
Bunny: What are those?
RE: Air bubbles.
Bunny: Not six little babies?
RE: (Laughs) No. It's a champagne uterus.

Champagne Uterus. It is the best diagnosis I've gotten in a long time. Champagne Uterus beats "poor responder" and "dilated tube" and "morphology issues" hands down. Most everything about infertility is completely unsexy, but a Champagne Uterus, well, I wouldn't mind admitting to this condition.

Blindsided

So, today I had my appointment with the maternal and fetal medicine doctor.  I cruised over to the office straight from work.  I was in my own little zone- thinking of questions, trying to think of things I should remember to mention.  Still lost in my own thoughts, I open the door to the waiting room and see children's toys.  I then start to look around.  Everyone was pregnant. Most really, visibly so.  I waited behind a very pregnant woman and her husband as they joked around and waffled between two different days for the next appointment.  

My heart started racing, my palms were sweaty, breath was shallow.  I took a seat next to a hugely pregnant woman who was distractedly rubbing her stomach.  I was sitting directly across from an exam room.  A couple goes in, the ultrasound is hooked up and the deep, flump-flump, flump-flump, flump-flump of a fetal heartbeat fills the waiting room.  I try a few deep breaths, but focus instead on holding back the tears.

I have been to the doctor a lot over the past year; I've lost count of all of the appointments I've had.  In all of these doctor visits,  especially ones for infertility (who am I kidding, those are the only appointments I have these days) I have yet to be mixed in with the general public.  Or the pregnant public.  In someways, I find doctor's appointments vaguely comforting.  The doctors and nurses know all about your journey and the other patients in the waiting room have been through some version of the "infertility sucks" journey.  

Yet, today, it didn't even occur to me that as I was getting a consultation for infertility related issues, that I would be waiting with those who are months and weeks away from delivery.   I should have known, but this is how infertility-centric my medical interactions have become.   I am used to having the doctor's office be my own version of an elite country club- expensive, with challenging membership criterion, and like a secret society that those on the outside don't really understand.  Only if clinics had pools where we could sun our hormone induced bellies in peace!

And the appointment itself?  A little disappointing.  The good news, the specialist thinks my RE is great.  The bad news, no real concrete answers.  No magical panacea.  The Heparin theory falls on the art side of art and science.  In fact, we talked mostly about where I thought his child should go to middle school.  

Glad my expertise could be of use.  I hope he got a referral before this appointment, otherwise I'll have to charge him my hourly rate.